Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mindless Tuesday

I feel like I let you guys down when I don't feel inspired enough to write a Mindful Monday post. I feel like I let myself down too. Shortly after we got home from Ethiopia, I signed up for two online classes. I've been around the post-new child block enough times to know how easy it is to lose yourself in new motherhood; the exhaustion, the feeling like you're treading water in the middle of the ocean, no land in sight. So I thought I'd make a proactive move and throw out a lifesaver to catch my drowning identity.

Guess what? It didn't work. I've hardly done a damn thing in either class. And I will say in all honesty and in order to save a bit of face that it is in part because I haven't felt well. But that's a bit too convenient. So I started thinking maybe that's just what is supposed to happen. Maybe you're supposed to lose yourself a little. Maybe you're supposed to look up after three months (or a year, five?) and think, "What the hell happened here?"

Maybe it's in the crawling back on bloody hands, knees and heart that you find this new version of yourself--bigger, badder, bolder than you ever knew you were. Is it the same after this phase of life is over? Will it be the same when all my children are in school and I look up from this too short/too long phase of life and find myself not knowing who I am? Probably.

It's juicy, isn't it, this re-discovery of self? It's also painful. I'm trying to get to the part where it's also exciting and fulfilling, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the thick of it, trying to get okay with not knowing exactly who I am right now. I seem most to be defined as Mother of Four. Which is beautiful. It's exactly what I want. I also wanted to be able to complete an Extreme Visual Journaling class online and not look exhausted and feel ninety years old in my body. Oh well.

It may be too much for me to work toward right now. But it's worth trying, isn't it? I know women that are masterful at this balance, but it is a struggle for me. But there is always something to be said for fighting the good fight.

So to all you mamas out there that fight the good fight of continually claiming and reclaiming your sense of self, on this second day after Mother's Day, I bow deeply before you, one warrior to another. Good hunting.


Sha Zam- said...

Treading water and loss of identity (self imposed) is totally where I'm at. I wish I'd have known what those phrases REALLY mean before hand.... but I guess it's something you have to experience for ourselves... Know that we think of you and Jonas often.

InventingLiz said...

My pain right now comes from just how much being a parent for the first time is bringing up all sorts of unresolved issues from how I was parented myself...I see that if I can stay present to the child in front of me, instead of to the child I was, I will come out the other side as the bigger, badder, bolder version of me that you describe. But man-oh-man is it painful right now!

Bridget said...

At least you have honesty working to your benefit....because all those women who "do it with grace," HA! They're faking. :)

rebekah said...

Ok, there are women who master this? Who?

I feel like all these parts of who I am are floating just out of my reach.

Liz- I didn't get the full impact of all those unresolved issues until my second child, first adopted one. It wasn't until then that I passed through some sort of aura to a better understanding of what being a mom really means.

Arnold said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



Sarah and Jeremy said...

wow, can I relate to this!!! hope you all are well... :)