Monday, April 26, 2010

Mindful Monday

Wouldn't it be amazing if we adults could show our true selves like toddlers do? They lay their emotional cards on the table, no bullshit, and say here I am. Take it or leave it. If a toddler is mad, you know it. If they are happy, you know it. I'm not saying they aren't multi-layered, complicated beasts. They are. And even though you can't always know what's behind their actions, you usually know what they are feeling.

I'm struggling right now. Physically, I'm a mess. I will address that in more detail at some point on this blog, but not until later, not right now. My brain is running in circles, I'm exhausted in body and spirit. But only handful of people in my life know it. Why? What am I saving myself, or them, from?

I like being strong. I also like being thought of as strong. I don't want to seem like a complainer, a whiner. I have so much.

But to be vulnerable enough to say here I am. Take it or leave it. (But please, please take it.) There's wisdom there, yes?

I watch Yonas opening himself up to us, trusting us enough to show us where he is, letting it all hang out, and I am reminded to open up. It's hard. It feels scary sometimes, to show your hand. But it's good.

So when my sister asks me how I'm doing I say, Not good.
And when I need to have the same conversation with Erik for the 100th time in a week, I don't stop myself or my tears. I open up, I feel the weight, and I am thankful for vulnerability in the face of pain and fear because it softens my heart.

And because the only way is through and there are no gold medals for doing it alone.

6 comments:

Hollie said...

Great Post! I have felt all those emotions and same feelings over the past few months. It's a little alarming to realize "super mom" aint so super anymore, huh? At least that's how I felt. Four months out is better than three, so keep on plugging. FYI: We slept in that same room at the guest house, all four of us, so cozy. I'm glad you got a picture of it, because I wished I had, and now I do.

rebekah said...

Man are you good - gold medal for this post anyhow.

I've been feeling not quite great at mothering, and with no good reason to show for it.

Glad you're sharing:)

Bridget said...

lots of love!

MRK said...

This is so true. Why do we hide it? We expect the kids to show it. If you've read, "Hold On To Your Kids" he talks about exactly this with our children - that they hide their vulnerability, and that is what makes connections and attachments and security hard for them. But you're so right - we do it, too. Glad you posted this and hope it continues to get better with time.

Shannon- said...

Seriously? No gold medals? Dang. I was told there would be medals!!! (not that I'm making it alone... )

I want so much to hug you all. I remember sooo feeling that way... like I'd never scrub the bad smell off, that my body was completely a mess and didn't know if or when i'd ever find time to take care of myself-. Slowly- one day at a time .. and unfortunatley a few steps backward here and there .... I have faith that eventually I'll find the balance for us both.

konjochild said...

So true. So hard, and so true. Hope that speaking it aloud brings you a bit of relief & comfort.