Thursday, February 25, 2010

Day Six

Yesterday my youngest daughter, Safa, turned 4. It was not the sort of birthday you envision for your child. Yesterday morning Yonas tantrumed three times when I sat down while holding him. His body literally did not shift its position on mine. I just lowered myself to the floor and it was too much for him to bear. Which in turn was too much for Safa to bear. We had an awful morning. We all cried.

The birthday cake I made for her was so ugly I asked Erik to not take pictures of it. I really don't want her to have evidence of it. She tolerated her crap birthday with such grace it broke my heart.

Yonas napped yesterday afternoon. When he woke, he was more pleasant to be around. So different, in fact, that I was able to see a possible future that included me sticking around to be his mama. Because frankly the railroad tracks a few short blocks away were starting to look pretty good a few days ago.

Today was more manageable. I cried a little, took a long walk with Yonas and Safa in the sun, practiced breathing deeply while he tantrumed, ate some chocolate, called my mom. At some point yesterday, I subtitled his screaming in my mind: "I'm so scared I won't get to stay!!", "I'm angry because I've lost so much!!", "Please help me!!" That helped open my heart to him. Today he was goofing for his sisters. That helped too.

I have been blessed with an amazing group of women that are bringing us meals, delivering care packages, sending me emails and texts of love and support, and in general letting me know I am not alone. I have been overwhelmed by the gracious and supportive comments left here, the ones I've received on the Ethiopian Adoptive Families forum, and sent in private messages. I have been moved by their candor and empathy. I'm blown away by the strength shown in these stories of struggle, how hard parents and children have worked to become a family, how much they have endured. I am proud to be a part of this community. I do not feel alone, and right now, that is everything.

10 comments:

rebekah said...

Hi! So glad to see this post. You all have been on my mind quite a bit, mine and many others.

Happy Birthday to sweet Safa.

Just to prove your life will be normal again someday, I found you on fb, so you will once again engage in the timesucker that it is. Now if that's not a normalcy to shoot for, I don't know what is!

Julie said...

You are on my mind as well. Sending you strength. You can do this.

M and M said...

Me three. You can do this. What's more, you ARE doing this.

Amy said...

I am glad you have been able to see a glimmer of hope!

Bridget said...

I really love that you subtitle tantrums. You are not only wise beyond wise, but a true writer! :)
Glad you're hangin' on.

Ahdra said...

Do you have an email address that I could write to? You can send it to me at ahdra37atgmaildotcom. I think our story might help you. We've been home just over three years now after adopting an 18 m.o.b. and a 5 m.o.g. at the same time from ET in early 2007. It was a grim beginning, to say the least. It does get better.

Bryna said...

I am awed by your vulnerability and gentleness and acceptance and willingness to just be where you are...you are amazing.

Cindy said...

I have been thinking a lot about you. I am so glad that you have some good support. Happy Birthday to your baby girl : )

Kerry said...

New to your blog. Wishing you strength. But mostly borrowing yours... the idea of subtitling his screaming - BRILLIANT. So many, many applications.
I know we are not supposed to say this in the adoption community but... Jonas is one lucky boy, as our your daughters. What a smart, creative mother.
Kerry

Jen said...

I see glimmers, it's heartwarming to hear of your days and, as always, your honesty. Since I'm ready to embark on this journey again, you are helping me, reminding me of the hope and knowledge that it will be hard but it will evolve, change. Nothing ever remains the same. See, you're now helping someone else already! Thank you!